


Portraits of Rubble

by chappedlipsfingertips



Series: Something From Nothing [1]
Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-10 17:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15954293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chappedlipsfingertips/pseuds/chappedlipsfingertips
Summary: A year after the Season 2 finale, Nick and June escape with Hannah in tow to Canada.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's safe to say that this fic includes spoilers for the entire series up through Season 2.

It'd been a whirlwind since they'd gotten out.

It all came in bits and pieces to her now, how Hannah had been hysterical by the time they'd reached the border, how the doctors had to pry her away just to get a look and make sure she wasn't injured, how Nick had stood in the corner of the room, unable to let them out of his sight.

How Luke had come in, scruffy and crying. How Hannah didn't make eye contact with him at all.

How June felt the same resentment, burning and immediate.

How a few nights later, when June was curled around Hannah's sleeping form on the air mattress in Moira's room, she overheard Moira yelling at him.

"You don't come back from Gilead, Luke. It's with us for the rest of our damn lives. You need to understand that!"

How she immediately thought of Aunt Lydia. The echo of those words the entire time she'd been at the Globe.

How Emily brought her Nichole, with Oliver in tow. How big the baby had gotten in a little over a year. How Nick had started crying before she did. How Emily cried too, when she brought the baby's stuff to the now very crowded apartment the next day. How tight they'd hugged each other. How June had barely whispered "Thank you," and how Emily had cupped her face, with a hand that sported light pink painted nails.

How Luke, blamelessly, couldn't bring himself to hold the baby. How Moira did, but June could see something in her eyes when she did it that was unreadable.

How she'd found Erin's clothing in Luke's dresser and felt, unexpectedly, relief.

 

* * *

 

She and Luke went back to sharing a bed at first.

It lasted maybe three nights at most.

As a kid, June used to dream about having previous lives in Paris, in Egypt, in Colonial America, in the sixties with The Beatles, in a castle. A life with an imaginary father who called her Ladybug like her best friend Laura's dad did. She'd sit alone on the playground sometimes and swing back and forth and daydream with her eyes closed, her head floating in the pendulum of motion while her legs kicked her forward and back, forward and back.

Laying in bed with Luke, she felt herself falling backwards and she instinctually reached for the ropes of the swings. He was now in one of her many past lives, a daydream.

But it wasn't June's inability to comprehend the reality that sealed the deal. Rather, it was Hannah's inability to sleep at night, coupled with her discomfort around anyone that wasn't June.

So June and Hannah had started sleeping in Moira's room on the air mattress.

 

* * *

 

"I'm sorry," Luke said, in the car on the way home from the Embassy, two days after they were first checked into the hospital.

June hadn't wanted him to talk about any of it so soon.

Nick had immediately started work with intel, his need to overthrow Gilead taking precedent over everything. June understood. Now that Hannah was safe, she wanted to stay at the Embassy, too. But Hannah needed her and she needed to figure out what the fuck she was going to do about Luke and Moira and everyone who existed here in Canada while June was nearly all Gilead at this point.

Hannah was asleep in the backseat of the car, which had been an ordeal in itself. She was nine years old, but her tantrum had reminded June of when Hannah was two and didn't want to be strapped in her carseat. She'd gathered the sobbing girl in her arms and rocked her back and forth while sitting in the backseat of the car with her, the door open. Luke stood and watched helplessly in the parking lot.

June wasn't ready to talk about it.

"I know," she mustered, reaching for his hand that was holding the gear shifter.

She had the same feeling she did when she first walked up the stairs to Nick's apartment. Only this time, it was Nick who she felt guilty about.

 

* * *

 

Early one morning, maybe two weeks after they'd moved in with Moira and Luke and Erin, June got up early, before Nichole woke up and would want to eat. She'd gone to the living room, where the pack and play was set up by the couch that Nick was asleep on, and watched Nichole's small chest rise and fall in the early morning twilight.

June turned her gaze to the couch, where Nick was also sleeping with a hand outstretched over his head. Like father, like daughter.

His lips were pursed in the same way that they had been every time she'd slept next to him in Gilead -- his apartment, the Globe, her dreams.

Without realizing what she was doing, June got on her knees next to the couch and stroked Nick's cheek with her fingers so gently that he didn't stir. Her hand moved to his head, and she hoped he was dreaming of something other than all the hours he'd spent at the Embassy lately, how he would watch Luke tell her he loved her every night, how he had to pretend he wasn't Nichole's father during the day.

She dipped her head near his as the tears started. His hand reached for her face a few moments later, and she cried harder than she had since Hannah had been pulled away from her at the Mackenzie's summer home.

 

* * *

 

Moira took June to therapy with her. They'd drop Hannah off with the children, and Hannah would cry like she did when June dropped her off at preschool. Then, Moira would take her hand and lead her as she wiped at her own cheeks to the group therapy session down the hall.

They had been going for a while. Maybe a few weeks? June had lost count of the time that passed. She volunteered at the Embassy when she had the strength, but for the most part, she stayed holed up at the apartment with the baby, counting down the hours until Hannah would come home from school.

Another ex-handmaid, who'd escaped from New York, sat across from them. She introduced herself as Tara. Tara's ear was bandaged still. June had lost the bandages a week or so after they'd gotten out of the hospital.

"I carried a baby," Tara said. "For my commander."  
  
Everyone in the circle had nodded, but June felt Tara's eyes lock with hers in understanding.  
  
The leader of the therapy group, a woman named Mary who June struggled to view as anything other than an Aunt, spoke softly and carefully.

"That must have been hard."

Tara's eyes filled with tears.

"A boy. It was a boy. He wasn't healthy. A heart murmur."

June felt her breath catch. Tara took a deep breath and straightened herself out in her chair.

"I'm just glad he never had to grow up there."

Tara clasped her hands together, looked down, and then looked directly at June again, and June felt herself talking before she really considered what she was saying.

"I also had a baby. My daughter Nichole."

She could feel Moira's eyes directly next to her, but she couldn't take her gaze away from Tara.

"She wasn't my commander's baby though. The wife knew he was sterile, so she got creative. The commander knew it."

Tara's eyes flittered for a moment, and June felt them dare her to keep going.

"The driver. She's the driver's."

June tapped out for the rest of the discussion, thinking of what might have been of her if Nichole had died in Gilead. If she'd actually been Waterford's. If Nick hadn't been there.

She followed Moira out of therapy and down the hall, only for Moira to pull her into a window alcove.

" _Nick's_? She's Nick's?"

June nodded, her eyes filling with tears. She watched a million questions form at once in Moira's head and imbed themselves in the lines that grew on her forehead.

"He raped you? That piece of shit has been sleeping on the couch?"

June shook her head rapidly, and felt Moira grip her arms.

"No. We -- it was consensual."

June braced herself for a lecture from Moira about how she should have been faithful to Luke, who'd been pining away for her, at least in the beginning -- did Moira know about Erin? -- how she should have told her sooner, how fucked everything was.

"When are you gonna tell him?"

When June couldn't formulate an answer for a few moments, Moira clicked her tongue and started to lead her in the direction of the children's group therapy room down the hall.

"Come on, we got a kid who's waiting for us."

 

* * *

 

It'd been hours since they'd gotten back from therapy, since Moira didn't say anything while they all sat down to a makeshift family dinner on fold-out chairs, since June and Moira had laid in silence after Hannah fell asleep.

The baby had started to cry, and June heard Nick's voice low and soothing through the door. Moira stirred a bit in her sleep, and June laid still until she heard Moira find a comfortable spot again.

When June slipped out of the room, she found Nick slowly pacing the floor with Nichole against his chest, whispering sweet nothings to her.

"Is she okay?" June asked, knowing it was atypical of the baby to be awake at this time. Nichole was sleeping through the night now, and it pained June sometimes to think about all the time she'd lost with her baby.

Nick pressed a kiss to her dark curly hair and then nodded.

"She feels a little warm to the touch though, right?"

June came closer to get a look at her daughter's face, her blue little eyes still teary. June reached a hand out for the baby's head.

"Are you not feeling good, Nichole?" she cooed carefully.

Nick pursed his lips and June met his glare.

"Please stop calling her that," he said. June was surprised by the desperation in his voice.

"But --"

"I know she let you get her out, but fuck Serena Joy, June. Her name is Holly. She's named after your mom. Not some shitty backhanded move by Serena to name the baby after her biological father."

June felt her eyes fill with tears. She nodded. She reached for the baby, and Nick passed her over to June's arms.

"Come here, Holl," June whispered against her hair.

Nick's arm wrapped around June and the baby, and his lips found his way to June's hair too.

"We can call her Holly Nichole," he whispered into her scalp, making June shiver.

"It's perfect," June mused.

 

* * *

 

Hannah wouldn't budge.

"Please, Banana, you need to go to school," June had begged her, hiking Holly up on her hip a bit more so she could use a free hand to grab Hannah's school things and throw them into her backpack.

"My old mom didn't make me go to school when I didn't want to," Hannah spat back, and June swallowed back the way her throat muscles immediately constricted. She knew Hannah wasn't trying to hurt her as bad as she did when she said things like that. But it fucking tore June to the core.

Luke was going to take her on the way to work. June knew the clock was only ticking faster the more Hannah dug her heels in.

"I doubt that's true," June told her, evenly, as she picked up Hannah's homework from the coffee table still covered in crayons and Nick's coffee mug.

"My other mom was nicer than you," Hannah shot back in a yell. June felt the baby flinch in her arms as her chin quivered.

Luke's sudden appearance in the doorway didn't help.

"Don't you dare speak to your mother that way, Hannah Jordan."

June watched Hannah whip around to her father, the fury evident on her daughter's face. June wiped at the tears that had already started spilling over her cheeks.

"You're even worse!" Hannah screamed back. "I want my other parents!"

June made eye contact with Luke's eyes that had started to narrow. She desperately shook her head at him.

"Hey, Hannah, you okay?"

Nick, _thank God_ , showed up, still toweling at his wet hair. June watched Luke's lips tighten into a grimace as Hannah turned to Nick.

Hannah shook her head, tears suddenly streaming down her face.

"I can take you to school today," he offered.

June handed him the backpack, and Nick accepted it as he pocketed his keys and phone from the coffee table. Hannah's hands flexed as she stifled another sob, and June bit her lip while she watched her.

"Your friends are going to miss you if you aren't there," he said, and June watched Hannah tilt her head in contemplation.

Hannah nodded and went towards him to get her backpack.

"Everything kinda sucks lately, doesn't it?" Nick said to Hannah, who nodded and hiccuped as she wiped her tears away.

June watched as Nick ushered Hannah out of the front door, and she shot him a thankful look as he turned back to her for a split second. When the door shut, June brought her gaze to Luke, who had gripped the bedroom door frame until his knuckles turned white.

He didn't look at her on his way out the door to work.

 

* * *

 

The tension had been growing slowly between Luke and Nick. June could see it happen, how Luke was constantly annoyed when Nick left dishes out even after he'd cook for everyone, how lately whenever Hannah got mad it was Nick who got through to her.

Moira had taken the girls to the park to give June a much-needed break, and Nick and Luke and Erin were still at work.

At least, that was what June had banked on.

Luke walked in only about fifteen minutes after Moira had left with both girls bundled up for the fall chill that had started to settle in Toronto.

"It's quiet," he remarked, as June settled into the couch that doubled as Nick's bed.

"Moira took the girls to the park," June confirmed.

Luke dropped his bag near the door and took note of the sheets that were still twisted on the couch. June felt his eyes look at how she'd curled up and put her toes underneath them.

"I feel like it's been getting a little crowded here," Luke told her, taking a seat on the opposing chair, which had Hannah's coat draped over the back.

June felt her stomach twist.

But it wasn't like she could pretend this all was working well either. Six people were sharing two bathrooms, and, provided they didn't all kill each other in the next year and a half or so, it was only going to get worse once they potty-trained Holly.

"I guess," was all June could muster.

"Don't you think it's strange he hasn't tried moving out yet?"

June immediately felt defensive.

"Luke, we've been here like, what, a little over two months?" She guffawed. "That's a really short amount of time considering."

She watched him fold his arms over his chest.

"I just don't like him being here. He isn't a part of the family."

"Neither is Erin," June quickly countered. She watched Luke's face muscles clench.

"That's different," he said.

"Exactly. Nick is family."

She watched Luke register with confusion.

"What, because he used to drive your rapist's car? I mean thank God he helped you guys get out, but that doesn't mean he gets to permanently crash on our couch."

June had flexed her hands twice while Luke spoke, and when she looked up at him, she felt Moira urging her to speak.

"Luke, he's Holly's dad." June shook her head, deciding she wasn't ready for him to get a word in edgewise just yet. "He loves her. He's always been good to me. He's family."

Luke stood up and paced the apartment floor as best he could considering Hannah's backpack and school shoes had been unceremoniously dropped on the living room floor.

"Did he?" Luke swallowed audibly and pawed at his face, unable to finish the question.

June shook her head adamantly. She watched his hand muscles relax and then tighten again.

"So you _fucked_ him?"

"Oh, like you haven't been doing that with Erin?"

June hadn’t expected herself to use Erin in defense, and she internally recoiled. She watched Luke start to retort.

"I found her underwear in your drawer, Luke. You're not guiltless."

"Erin was never going to replace you," he said shakily, and June had to look away so she wouldn't start to cry too. "I married _you_. I love _you._ "

June shook her head and stared up at the ceiling, realizing that fighting back the tears was a losing battle.

"I heard a fucking gun shot, Luke. I thought you were dead!" She watched him flinch. "I love you, but I thought you were dead. And living in that place? It was fucking torture, Luke. I got raped every month and it was treated like it was a gift to me." June let out a sob, and then wiped at her face to gain control. "He was all I had to make anything feel normal."

She looked at Luke as tears streamed down his face.

"And by the time I found out you were alive, he already existed. We'd already been together. And you existed so fucking far away from me."

June watched Luke stare at the ground. She wanted to comfort him, to apologize to him. But she couldn't muster anything.

"So are you saying this is over?" Luke asked, his voice thick with tears. He didn't lift his head.

"No," June immediately started, but she had nothing to follow up with. She breathed deeply. "I don't know. Everything is really complicated."

"But Hannah," Luke started, and he met June's eyes.

"I know," she said, wiping the damp tracks off of her face. "I'm trying Luke. I'm fucking trying, okay?" She felt an anger build in her that she was trying to push down, but couldn't quite overcome. She heard Luke take a deep breath.

"I didn't think anything like that was going to happen with Erin," Luke admitted, and June tried to not pay attention to how broken he sounded. "But it sucked here too, okay? And I had nothing to confirm you were alive, either."

June shook her head.

"Luke, I'm not -- I'm not mad," she told him. "I get it."

"We can forget about them, go back to normal," he told her, and she looked up to see him with tears in his eyes. She didn't want to see him plead.

"We can't. You know we can't."

Luke's chin trembled.

"I want to forget about her. I can forget about her."

"Luke, he's Holly's dad," June said with a shrug, a fresh set of tears starting to track down her cheeks. "I can't. I don't want to. I want him to know her. For her sake. For my sake."

She watched Luke wince.

"Gilead took everything from me. From us. They took our daughter. I'll be damned if I put someone else through that Hell."

She watched Luke nod, his shoulders drop in defeat. She knew he'd understand.

"I'm going to go for a walk," he told her. She watched him leave and then sat on the couch to cry.

 

* * *

 

Luke came home later that night, during dinner. June was feeding the baby while Moira and Nick stared at her, fully aware that something had happened, but waiting until the girls went to bed to get details.

"Hi Daddy," Hannah called out to him before shoveling another bite of the lasagna Nick had made into her mouth.

Luke hadn't answered. Everyone's attention turned to his bedroom door, which shut behind him.

Moira put down her fork and scooted her chair back to stand.

"No," June told her, "I'll talk to him."

Nick, on the other side of Holly's highchair, extended his hand for the spoon June was using to feed her. June turned the highchair to face Nick.

"Hey sweetheart," Nick cooed, and June watched him place a small amount of Holly's pureed dinner onto the spoon.

She took a deep breath and went to the door. She opened it and slid into the room before Moira or Nick's hawk eyes could decipher anything.

Luke didn't turn to June when she walked in. He kept his back to her as he pulled out a suitcase from the closet.

June felt her heart in her throat and swallowed down the lump.

"Luke," she choked out.

"I called Erin and she got us a hotel room," he said, not lifting his head from his drawers, which he rummaged through to get clothing.

"Luke, you don't have to leave. This is your apartment."

She watched Luke pause, a shirt bunched up in his fist. He turned to her, his eyes red.

"June, I can't stay. I want us to go back to normal. I want you to be my wife. But that's clearly not happening."

"What do we tell Hannah?" June asked finally, her resolve to not cry again crumbling as she thought of Hannah, who'd just gotten reunited with the two of them not too long ago.

"We'll figure it out," Luke said with a cracking voice. He turned back to packing.

June nodded and hugged her arms around her midsection until Luke zipped the suitcase.

"I'm going to tell her I'm staying with a friend," he said. "We'll talk soon about what we'll do."

She held it together as he rolled out his suitcase, as she heard him with a wavering voice tell Hannah in front of Nick and Moira that he had a friend he needed to stay with for a few days, but that he would see her after school on Wednesday for back to school night in her fourth grade class.

When the door shut, June dropped onto the bed, grasping at the comforter tightly and pressing it to her face so Hannah wouldn't hear her sobs.


	2. Chapter 2

Luke's new apartment was a few blocks away and Hannah was excited to finally have her own bedroom. June had shown genuine excitement for Hannah when she talked about her purple bedding and the fuzzy rug Luke had bought her for the wood floor that she liked sliding around on her socks.

The first few weeks, Hannah would call June crying and she'd have to go get her in the middle of the night. But by the time December rolled around, Hannah was sleeping at Luke's with no problems.

Moira moved out around Thanksgiving, and in with a new girlfriend named Amy. Emily had actually introduced the two of them. June and Moira clung to each other after the last box had been loaded up. Moira and Amy came to dinner at the apartment regularly enough that Nick and June never moved the additional chairs from the table.

June, Nick and Hannah put up a small tree in the corner of their living room, next to the couch that no one slept on anymore.

June could barely stand looking at it. The tree to her felt like a stark reminder of all the holidays she'd missed with Hannah. Years of memories erased from her -- years of believing in Santa and baking cookies and wrapping presents ripped away and June wasn't sure how she was going to patch it up.

Four days before Christmas, June found herself unable to sleep, the nerves of trying to plan the menu of the dinner they were hosting, Luke on the guest list, pinging her awake at three in the morning and entirely uncontrollable.

She was in the living room, fretting over the tree when Nick came in, bleary-eyed.

"June?"

She froze, in the middle of taking off all of the red ornaments from the tree.

"What are you doing?"

She looked down at her hands and then at him. She watched his tired brain make the connection.

He nodded wordlessly and then joined her at the tree, helping remove all the red baubles.

"I didn't even think about it when I bought them," she admitted. "I just wanted the tree to look really Christmasy."

"I probably wouldn't have given it any thought either," Nick told her quietly.

June stepped back once she'd pulled them all off to see the tree looking a bit bare with the gold trimmings and the little pinecones, but no pop of color.

Nick must have known what she was thinking.

"We can go to the store tomorrow. I'm sure Hannah can pick us out some rainbow ornaments for the tree. We'll make purple the official color of Christmas here."

June could barely hear him. She turned to the little bar edge of the kitchen counter and stared at the stockings -- red -- that they had bought. Nick, June, Hannah, Holly. She'd painted the names on them in gold fabric paint a few nights previously.

Nick was removing them before she could open her mouth.

"These too. No problem, we'll find others."

"The stores might be picked over," June interjected.

"Doesn't matter. There will be choices. We can get even better ones next year once Holly is able to pick one out."

Holly would be two at the end of February. June felt her stomach tighten at the idea of having to plan a birthday party.

"June, it'll be okay. It'll all be ready in time. We're going to give the girls a good Christmas."

June turned back to the tree, and felt her vision blur from tears.

"Hannah's stocking was white. Glittery to look like snow. It had an H embroidered on it."

She could feel Nick's hand on her shoulder.

"Do you ever wonder what happened to all the things you left behind?" She started, closing her eyes to imagine the place she and Luke rented in Boston. "If I could go back to our apartment -- if it's still there, I'd know exactly where in the closet the box of Christmas things is."

"My mom was really into Christmas," Nick said, and then he immediately cleared his throat. June turned to look at him, and she watched his head bow as he tried to get control of his emotions.

"She'd uh, she'd just do everything. Gingerbread houses were her favorite. Josh and I used to help. He was always so careful about building the house, and I'd watch them assemble it together before I could help out with decorating."

June watched a tear track its way down his cheek. He wiped at it slowly.

"My mom was never much of a baker, so I only ever did the kits they sold."

Nick turned his head up to her and rolled his eyes, despite them being full of tears. "The kits sucked," he told her.

She laughed, despite her throat being tight and full of her own emotions.

"I know! They always fell apart."

He wrapped his arms around her, and she rested her head on his chest.

"I was planning on making one with the girls tomorrow."

"I think Hannah will love it," June said, her memories floating back to helping Hannah put sprinkles on store-bought cookie dough.

"A new tradition," Nick said in response, only a little more than a whisper.

"A new _family_ tradition," June told him.

 

* * *

 

"How was Christmas?" Emily asked June as soon as they sat down at the table in the cozy coffee shop. It was early evening, and the shop was generally empty, so they tucked themselves into the back corner for a bit of privacy.

June sipped on her drink for a moment, turning it over in her hands.

"It uh, it was as good as it could have been."

Emily nodded knowingly.

"The first Christmas I spent here was awful," she admitted, with a bitter smile. "I mean, it just felt so fake to me. It felt like I was pretending to be a part of something."

June felt the hollow part in her chest fill a little bit. Nick was always so focused on being positive for the girls that it felt good for someone to admit out loud that everything still sucked compared to how it was before.

"Hannah seemed to do pretty well though," June said, already feeling herself want to cry.

She watched Emily bite her lip.

"I wonder what it would have been like this year if we'd never been separated. What Christmas would have looked like for a nine-year-old who hadn't been in Gilead? Maybe she would have still believed in Santa?"

"Yeah, that sucked, too. Coming back and Oliver was already almost out of a phase that I loved."

June wiped at the tears that already had caught at her eyelashes.

"Nick has been so focused on the positives, and I appreciate him for it, but it can be a little much sometimes, honestly."

Emily cracked another smile, this time not just bitter, but watery.

"Janine was like that in the colonies."

June felt her stomach bottom out. She had chosen to not think about Janine, or Rita, or Alma, or Brianna, or Dolores. She didn't want to think about how they were still there, still in a living nightmare while she and Emily complained about their children being too old for Santa.

"Do you ever?" June couldn't quite finish the question, but turned her quivering chin up to Emily, hoping she'd understand.

"Every day," Emily admitted. "Especially Janine."

June dipped her head as someone walked by them to the restroom, wanting their grief to be private.

"I know she's okay," Emily said, gripping her cup tightly. "I mean, okay as she could be. She was the only one at the colonies who found little bits of joy."

June watched Emily carefully, as her composure started to crack.

"Isn't it fucked up how hard it is to find little bits of joy here? Every time Oliver smiles or calls me Mom, part of me feels happy, but a bigger part of me is so angry that I lost so much time with him."

"I had to lock myself in the bedroom after the girls opened their presents," June admitted. "I couldn't handle it."

"Remember how Lydia used to say that we'd always be a part of Gilead?"

June nodded. She could feel herself back at the Red Center, lying between another girl's legs as Lydia announced that fact like it was a good thing.

"Sometimes I wake up and it take me a while to realize I'm not back in a little twin bed. That I'm here."

June nodded again.

"I wake up hoping every day to see one of them at the Embassy." June swallowed down tears. "At least, what's left of them."

June didn't expect it, but Emily bowed her head and her shoulders began to shake. She clasped the other woman's hands tightly and held them there, in the corner of the coffee shops she used to try and remember while in bed at the Waterfords' house.

 

* * *

 

Hannah was at Luke's for New Years' Eve since June and Nick had her for Christmas Eve. Holly had been asleep for a few hours before the ball drop that Little America had started just like the one that had been in New York. Nick joined June on the couch, with refilled glasses of wine.

The television was on, the only light source in the room other than the scent of vanilla candles, which she had lit and placed on the center of the coffee table.

"I never really understood the point of New Years' Eve," Nick admitted as June took her glass from him.

"The point is to get drunk," she told him, already feeling a good buzz.

He looked over at her and shook his head.

"Which you're progressing towards rapidly," he said, with a laugh. "But besides that. It always has felt, I don't know, a little dismal to me?"

June snuggled into his side.

"Like, really marking the passing of time always felt kind of sad."

June sipped at her wine in thought. It made sense.

"Yeah, but now we get to count our time away from Gilead."

She felt him kiss her head.

"The end of July," she said. "Five months."

"It feels like longer some days," Nick said. "And sometimes it feels like we got here last week."

June could only nod in response.

"I wonder if Luke got Hannah and her friends sparkling cider," Nick mused, sipping on his wine. "My mom always used to get Josh and I the stuff so we could toast at midnight."

"We used to do that with her," June said, turning her attention to the television, where a musical act she didn't recognize was performing. "We'd toast with sparkling cider and make a family resolution together."

"I'm usually bad with resolutions," Nick said.

"That's why we'd make a family one. We got to hold each other accountable. Like, we'd decide we were going to play more games together or something, and it was up to everyone to make sure it happened."

They sat in silence for a minute, and June spent that time trying to focus on the taste of her wine and not the memories of Boston. She stretched out on the sofa so that her head was on the pillows of one end, her legs on top of Nick's lap.

"I'm really proud of her," Nick said.

June turned to look at him.

"Hannah, that is. She's just doing really well. She's doing better than I am."

"Yeah, she's doing really good," June agreed.

"She's got all these friends now, and she's doing well in school, and it blows me away."

"Me too," June said, feeling herself getting teary. She took another sip of her drink.

Nick put down his glass on the coffee table, and he took one of her feet between his hands. June took a deep breath as he started to massage her foot.

"We should make a family resolution," Nick told her.

"Hannah has to be there for that, silly," she reminded him, and she decided to ignore the pain in her chest at the idea of her daughter starting a new year in her life with split parents.

"Maybe one between the two of us," he proposed, as he moved to massage her other foot.

"We could go out on dates more often," June suggested, the wine making her speech start to slow down.

Nick looked over at her and June could feel him judging her face to figure out how far gone she was.

"God, you're drunk," he said with a laugh.

She shook her head and drained her glass.

" _Tipsy_ ," she corrected, sitting up and reaching for his glass.

"You're gonna drink yourself sick."

"It's New Years', that's the point," she reminded him, suddenly feeling liberated that she even had the option to throw back as many drinks as she wanted.

"Mmm, remind me that I love you before you make me hold your hair."

June suddenly paused, mid-sip of his wine.

Nick didn't exactly realize what he'd said until he made eye contact with her raised eyebrows.

"I mean," he started, having not told June he loved her since they got to Canada. He'd said it right before they left to get Hannah, just in case something happened and he was never going to get the chance to say it again.

But then Luke picked them up from the hospital and the ability to say it left him completely. Even after Luke moved out, June had been so sad and defeated and so Nick kept it to himself.

"No," June told him, wobbling as she got into a seated position next to him.

She could watch him hold his breath, and she cupped his cheek. She felt his muscles relax into her hand.

"Say it again."

He looked her deep into her eyes. Her vision swam, but everything felt warm.

"I love you, June."

 

* * *

 

"Mama?"

June paused doing her makeup to turn to Holly as she wobbled into the bathroom. Her second birthday had been held at their apartment, the February chill of Toronto making it impossible to go outside despite the energy level of the little ones at the party. Ever since, it seemed Holly got more mature each day, which broke June's heart as much as it made her excited for her daughters to become true playmates.

"Yeah baby?" She asked, capping her lipstick.

"I want some," Holly said, extending her outstretched hand towards June. Typically, the only time the makeup came out was when June and Hannah played makeover and Holly got a turn playing with the sheer eyeshadows and lip balms.

"Here, let Mommy put it on," June said, reaching for a balm as Holly pouted her lips just as Hannah had taught her once.

June held back a laugh as she put a single layer of the balm on Holly's lips and the toddler pressed them once together with a little pop.

Nick's hand was on the doorway of the bathroom then, and June turned her gaze to him as he saw her outfit for their first fancy date. His eyes widened ever so slightly and they traveled up and down her body for just a moment before Holly interrupted the moment.

"Daddy, I look pretty!" Holly exclaimed, her lack of enunciation making his brow furrow trying to decipher what she'd said without context.

"Yes, Holl, you look very pretty with your lipstick," June told her with a sneaky smile to Nick.

Holly reached out for Nick and he picked her up as he told her, "B-E-A- _utiful_."

June would never fully recover from hearing him talk to her, soft and sweet.

"There's someone here to play with you," Nick told her playfully, and June pulled the clip out that had been holding her hair from her face while she did her makeup.

"Ollie?" Holly guessed, and Nick feigned shock.

"How did you know?" Holly gave a tiny shrug, which with her coordination, was just a raise of her hands.

"Let's go say hi to him and Auntie Emily," Nick suggested. "I know they're excited to see you and Hannah."

June took a last glance at herself in the mirror as she messed with her hair, and then headed out to the living room, where Hannah and Oliver were already setting up a game on the coffee table. Emily was seated on the couch, where Holly was engaged in an indecipherable conversation that Emily pretended to be very invested in.

"Thank you again," June said, fumbling with the buckles on her shoes near the door as Nick pocketed his keys and wallet.

"I owe you guys from last week. Thanks for taking Oliver overnight."

June winked at Emily who smiled bashfully.

"All right, girls," Nick said, crouching down so Holly could get a hug from him. "Be good, and listen to Auntie Emily. Hannah, don't forget to brush your teeth. You have a dentist appointment this week."

Hannah rolled her eyes but grinned and gave Nick a hug.

June finally managed to get her fancier boots on and then crouched down for hugs with the girls.

"Hey, Holly," Emily started, waving a book at the little girl. "Come show me the new books you got for your birthday."

With that, Nick and June knew that was their cue to slide out before Holly noticed. They gave a last sneaky wave through the crack of the door to Oliver and Hannah and then shut the door quietly.

 

* * *

 

June had stayed home sick one day in mid-spring, not too long before Hannah's tenth birthday. She dragged herself out of bed to care for Holly, who was happy to snuggle up in the comforter for kids' movies until she got hungry or needed to go potty.

June silently cursed herself while everything swam a bit each time she got out of bed to help Holly to the training potty she'd moved into the bedroom that day. Holly hadn't been super interested in potty training at first, but June was the one who'd insisted they start because she was getting tired of diaper duty.

If she'd held off just a few more weeks, she wouldn't have had to get up every fifteen minutes to prevent an accident. Holly, her wonderful, sweet little baby had turned into a sassy, independent toddler who refused to wear diapers anymore despite her terrible track record with knowing when to go.

"Look, Mama!" Holly exclaimed, standing to reveal that she'd gone, though not an amount that June felt satisfied getting out of bed for.

"Good job, baby," June told her with a pat on the head.

"I'm not a baby," Holly insisted. "I'm a big girl!"

June grunted while bending over to retrieve the potty to empty it.

"Yes, you're a big girl. But you'll always be my baby. Even Hannah is my baby."

"Hannah's a _big_ big girl," Holly insisted.

When June came back into the room, she looked at the clock on the cable box.

"She's going to be home any minute," June told Holly, who beamed.

Just as June finished speaking, she heard the apartment door open.

"Mom?"

"In the bedroom," June mustered, and then she climbed into bed.

Hannah came into the room, still carrying her backpack. She took one look at June, who knew that she looked pretty terrible.

"Mama's sick," Holly announced, munching on crackers that June had gotten her a few hours ago. She hadn't even been keeping track of how many Holly had at that point.

"I'm okay," June told Hannah. "But if you want to go to your dad and Erin's instead so you don't get sick, Nick can take you when he gets home."

Hannah shrugged and dropped her backpack on the floor.

"Erin doesn't live there anymore."

June watched Hannah's face to see if her daughter was disappointed at the fact, but Hannah's face was unreadable. June looked to Holly briefly, who had turned her full attention back to the television.

"Oh, when did that happen?" June mustered.

Hannah shrugged as she kicked off her shoes to join them in bed. She scooted in between June and Holly, who offered Hannah the box of crackers. Hannah took it from Holly and shoved her hand in, inspecting the handful of crackers she took before handing the box back to her little sister.

"Thanks, Holly," Hannah told her, and Holly nodded, engrossed in the show.

Hannah cuddled against June, who took a cracker from Hannah's hand and nibbled it slowly.

"I don't really know when she left. Sometime while I was here over the weekend."

June didn't expect her heart to sink as much as it did.

"Is your dad -- did he seem okay?"

Hannah nodded. June felt relief, but still a deep sadness. An almost-guilt. If she'd just stayed with Luke, he wouldn't have had the heartbreak of her leaving, and then Erin. Holly's giggle at the television snapped June out of the rabbit hole she was falling into.

"Are you okay?" She asked Hannah, switching gears.

Hannah shrugged.

"I liked her, but she was quiet. I mostly feel sad for Daddy. He seemed kinda sad."

"Yeah," June said, turning away and blinking back tears.

"It's gonna be okay, though, Mommy," Hannah piped up. When June looked at her, Hannah continued. "That's what Daddy said. It's sad now, but it'll be okay."

"That's true," June said, her stomach flipping sourly. She decided to chalk it up to the cracker and not the emotions she was feeling.

Hannah snuggled into June's side, and the girls watched the rest of the movie. June was just starting to feel worse when the credits began to roll. She looked at the clock, knowing Nick must have been running late because he should have already been home.

She wasn't paying attention to the girls, but suddenly Hannah was tickling Holly who giggled with wild abandon. Normally June would have joined in, but she felt her stomach roll like she was on a boat with the motion on the bed.

"Han," June started, putting her hand out towards her daughter, the other stabilizing herself on the bed. As soon as she touched Hannah's arm, Holly jumped up on the bed and June's hand immediately went to her mouth.

June sprang out of the bed, but she knew it was too late to get to the bathroom. In a moment of desperation, she lunged for the only receptacle nearby -- Holly's training potty.

As soon as she got on her hands and knees in front of it, everything in her stomach started rapidly coming up.

"Mommy?" Hannah asked her timidly, but June couldn't answer.

"That's my potty!" Holly cried out.

"Mommy, are you okay?" Hannah asked again, and June could hear the shake in her voice.

She didn't hear the door open, but suddenly Hannah was yelling out, "Nick, Mommy's throwing up."

Sure enough, as soon as Nick got in the room, June heard him say, "Woah, yeah. Okay, Hannah, can you take Holly into your room to play or something? I'm gonna help Mommy out."

"It's yucky," Holly cried out, not wanting to come closer to June, who was near the door.

"June, give me a second," Nick told her, and June heard him tell Holly he'd help her hold her nose.

His hands were on her shoulders as soon as he got the girls out of the room. He kept them on her until she was able to sit back and catch her breath. When June stood shakily, he grabbed for the plastic container and followed her into the bathroom.

June wobbled to the sink and started slowly brushing her teeth while Nick emptied and rinsed out any trace of her illness.

"You didn't seem this sick when I left. Did you get sick earlier today at all?"

June nodded. "Just a little earlier when Holly was napping." She felt Nick put the back of his hand on her forehead and then her cheek to check for her temperature. She rinsed her mouth as soon as he pulled away.

When she made eye contact with him in the mirror, he almost seemed to be smirking.

"Do you think you could be?"

It took her a second to realize what he was insinuating. They'd talked about maybe having another baby, but farther down the road. Maybe try this time next year, once they'd had some more in savings.

But thinking back, they'd been a lot less careful since those talks. And she wasn't quite sure when her last period had been.

"We'll get a test tomorrow." She smiled at him in the mirror.

 

* * *

 

After Hannah's softball practice the next week, June drove her to Luke's apartment to stay for the next few nights. Nick was home with Holly, so June could talk to Luke. For the last week, since the positive home test and the doctor's appointment that confirmed that they were, in fact, seven weeks into the pregnancy, Nick and June had visited the fact that their current apartment was a little too small for them.

June wanted to clue Luke in, that they were looking for another place and that it might change up the routine a little. They'd try and move as soon as school let out, so Hannah and Holly could get used to the new place and the new routine for Hannah going back and forth between the new place and Luke's before the baby came at the beginning of December.

She wanted to be the one to tell Luke that she was pregnant, so Hannah purposefully didn't know.

Hannah cocked an eyebrow when June followed her up the stairs, since she normally dropped her off at the door.

She got the same expression from Luke when he answered the door.

"I was hoping we could talk," June said. Hannah didn't move from her spot next to her mother.

June looked down at Hannah's worried eyes. "It's nothing bad, Han. Just grown-up talk."

Luke motioned for Hannah to go to her room. "Just give us a couple minutes," he told her. Hannah walked in reluctantly, and shut her door.

June walked into the far corner of the kitchen, which was farthest from Hannah's door.

"I don't want her to overhear any of this, because I wanted to run this by you first."

Luke took a place leaning on the counter near her, while still keeping a respectful distance.

"Nick and I are thinking about moving to a bigger apartment," she started. "And we've been looking around and there's nothing right next to where we are currently that's got three bedrooms, so I just wanted to let you know there'd be a slight change in the routine of things."

"When are you planning on moving?" Luke asked.

"Over the summer."

"But it'll still be nearby?"

"Of course. Same school district. All of that. I -- we -- didn't want it to be too hard of a transition for her. Everything has been going well lately." She paused. "You know, for Hannah."

"Yeah, she's been doing good, huh?" Luke smiled at June and for a split second, it felt like it had before. The same spark flashed, but was immediately dimmed by the pit in her stomach. June bit her lip and she watched Luke's expression soften.

"I think she'll do fine with a move, June," he said.

 _Fuck,_ he was trying to comfort her.

"No, no, I know that," she said, flexing her hands and then letting the muscles go. "There's just something else." When Luke simply looked at her to go on, June dropped her head and willed her vocal chords to work.

"We're having a baby." She inhaled deeply. "Nick and I."

She heard him exhale sharply.

"We haven't told the girls yet. I wanted you to know first."

She watched Luke simply nod.

"I just -- we just --"

Luke cut her off abruptly, putting his hand up to motion for her to stop.

"June, you don't have to explain."

She felt tears prick her eyes, and she wrung her hands, hoping that Hannah had occupied herself with something in her room.

"I feel like I owe you an explanation."

Luke shook his head.

"No, you don't. You've moved on. I'm moving on."

It stung to hear him say it. Even though that's what she wanted for both of them, it was painful to acknowledge the reality when he was standing in front of her.

"Is it what you want?"

June wasn't expecting the question, and turned her head up to him in confusion.

"Did you want this?"

She reluctantly nodded.

"Then it's a good thing. Then I'm happy for you." She watched his expression fall for a moment, and his head dip down for a moment to recover. When he looked back up at her, his eyes were undeniably glassy. "I want you to be happy June."

"I want you to be happy, too," she said, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"I know," he said, wiping at the corners of his eyes. "I'm glad you told me."

June nodded and managed to smile.

"I hope Hannah takes it as well," she said with a smirk.

"She adores Holly," Luke told her. "Hannah talks about her a lot when she's here, so I'm sure that even if she's reluctant at first, she'll warm up to it."

June swallowed the tears caught in her throat down.

"Thank you," she managed, and Luke reached one of his hands toward hers. He grasped it and squeezed for a moment before letting it drop. The moment ended just as quickly as it began, and June suddenly felt she was overstaying her welcome. "I should, uh, be getting going. I'm sure you have dinner to make."

June called out a goodbye to Hannah and then let herself out of the door of the apartment, her vision swimming with tears. As she carefully clicked the handle into place, she rested a hand on her stomach, still flat for now. And for the first time since all those years ago, when she'd come home to Luke watching the news when they took over D.C., she felt a warmth in her chest. She felt hope. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I just get so sentimental at the thought of Nick and June having a happy little ever after that I disgust myself sometimes.


End file.
